Through contemplation and reflection of my life I have realized that compared to the majority of humanity, I came in with very little karma. I have experienced a very ‘middle of the path’ life, with only mild discomfort and little pain or suffering. So it was a complete shock to my system when in 2015, the next segment of my life had me moving in with my estranged dad. My life fell apart as it does when your soul is manifesting a life plan event because you have stagnated in your attachment to your current life that is no longer serving your growth – I broke up with the boyfriend of 10 years because I was no longer in alignment with him, I had no business prospects, nothing to keep me attached to Orange County and nowhere to live so I had to move to Sacramento. My dad is a person that I didn’t have a bond with; no affection or love or like even really (and still don’t). He is an unconscious personality with an immature soul that is still very much ego centered. He is aggressive; a bully with no boundaries or consideration for other people or their space. His intentions can be good but he has absolutely no interpersonal skills and little to no emotional intelligence. He does have a big heart and does love people in the best way he is able. This is in no way a judgement of him, merely a description from my perspective. To judge him would serve no purpose because all of us can only operate at the level of soul evolution we have attained from the other incarnations combined with where you are/what you have learned in this current life. The personality can only be created within the level of soul evolution so that is simply where he is at and that is Perfection. He is Perfectly where his soul is and wants to be at the pace of its own experience. His evolution speed is none of my business.
My long introduction serves to give you a background of what I was walking into when I moved in in 2015. Having spoken to him very little throughout my adult years I was not looking forward to living with him and believed it would only be temporary. Hah well my soul had other ideas! These past four years have been the most productive segment of my life and that is because I fully believe that my dad was the biggest returning karma I had to deal with in this life. And boy did I deal with it. He has been my best teacher (unbeknownst to him of course) mirroring back to me my shadow self and all of the dark parts that were still lurking within. My anger, my disgust, my contempt, my impatience, my frustration, all lower frequencies and the biggest obstacle to peace and harmony – my ego. I had ego tantrums of epic scale. It’s like I was five again – although I’m not sure that even at age five I threw such massive angry tantrums as I’ve done at age 40. All the while being aware of every single time I acted out and my bad behavior and knowing THIS IS NOT WHO I REALLY AM. I know I am a Being of Love. Who is this person that I’m acting like in this moment? These past four years have been a massive roller coaster ride of emotion because my dad (as my returning karma) can trigger me like no one else can (although my mom comes close but I’ve worked out my issues with her too).**Disclaimer** I know “bad” behavior is a dualistic judgement. And I agree that all feelings are perfect when you’re feeling them because they are how you feel in that moment. So it’s not “bad” in the sense of being wrong, but in my case acting like that made me feel bad because I knew it wasn’t how I wanted to be. I’m using the term “bad behavior” to indicate the difference in behavior between ego and soul/Higher Self because your soul or Higher Self obviously wouldn’t act this way, only the ego would. And with self-awareness, “bad” behavior in my case helped me strive towards becoming the person I knew I was inside, and eventually I did get there.
And let me make it clear, when I say ‘worked out my issues’ that doesn’t mean physically or verbally with the other person – it means in my head, within only me. What is it in me that I need to resolve that makes them bother me so much? Because they will be who they will be, you can’t change them and it’s not your job to. It’s ONLY your job to change yourself. They are on their own path. So through self-awareness – observing my thoughts, feelings and actions, reading A LOT, massive amounts of contemplation, reflection and intuitive guidance from my soul/Higher Self I have transmuted my karma with my dad and mom into Love. I have achieved that seemingly elusive inner peace because I decided in 2018 that my heart is the most important aspect of my being and I choose to no longer allow anything into it of a lower vibration. My mind is the gateway, the keeper of the thoughts of high or low frequency and I CHOOSE IN EVERY MOMENT, EVERY INTERACTION how I want to be. Do I continue to identify with and give my power to my lower self, my ego? Or am I at the stage of my Ascension path where I now choose to identify with my Higher Self, my I AM Presence, the Presence of God within me? Do I now choose to stop letting into my heart anything external that would disrupt my peace? Let me tell you what a blessing detachment is in maintaining your peace. That will be another post….
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